Perhaps, Love

Perhaps, I'll read back at all these posts one day and laugh. Perhaps, I'll even shook my head and roll my eyes at getting myself into this, but for now, this feels right.

I woke up feeling like a pillar has fallen over me. He was still asleep next to me, tossing and turning every few minutes, disturbing my peace. I put my arm on his chest and he held them. It could be the last time I'll wake up to him beside him for the year. His families are arriving over the next few days, and he'll have to spend time with them.

We first met at the shopping centre near my house. He took a cab there and was late. I was getting impatient, and was about to walk off. We went to a coffee shop, but I didn't know he doesn't drink coffee, so he ordered water instead. I offered to pay, but he refused. We spent the next hour talking about his life, and mine. His favourite line, "Tell me a story".

He has struggled being comfortable with his sexuality for ages, and he was never comfortable being seen showing any hint of being gay in public. He would quite literally react like someone was about to attack him, when I tap him on the shoulder or touches him. He won't talk about anything that hinted homosexuality, nor would he say anything when I pointed out hot boys.

Over the past few weeks, not only has he become more comfortable with his sexuality, he's becoming more comfortable with who he is. Well, the fact that he'd bust into a Kylie dance routine, or act like a black woman with attitude in public says it all.

It's the Boxing Day Sale and I promised him that we would go to the shops and he can buy some games and clothes. As we were walking in the mall, he placed his hand on my back, and he called me, "bub" or "bubby" the whole time even when there are people around us.  When I'm walking too fast, he would put his hand on my shoulder or on my neck. He whispered in my ears because I was grumpy the whole time - I only had 7 hours sleep, and I was hungry. It's a progress, and to me, its an achievement. He's growing and changing so quickly.

We had brunch. Not sushi this time, for a change, although we had sushi for a late lunch before we took a nap at around 5. His friend called at 6.15pm and his family was arriving at 6.30pm. It was dark, rainy and the perfect weather to sleep. He put an eye-mask on my eyes so he can switch on the light to pack. He can be cute like that, sometimes.

He quickly packed, used the bathroom, left me a whole bunch of DVDs to entertain myself, gave me three goodbye kisses while he packed. At 6.30pm, his taxi arrives and he gave me a last good-bye kiss. I collapsed into the couch, staring at the white ceiling while the iPod on the dock played Yellow by Coldplay, with the ambiance light on and two candles on the coffee table burning.

He's a special boy.

In His Arms

We went into the city to grab some sushi - his favourite food, or at least that's what he said. He gets sushi every times he sees me, and I think it has become a routine for both him and I. We spent the rest of the afternoon getting myself a pair of shoes and a Christmas gift for his baby nephew. He insisted on buying me a game so that I can entertain myself while he's away with his family on Christmas Day. I forced him to walk away from the game store, which he wasn't happy with.

We bid good-bye and I came home and decided to spoil myself and relax for the rest of the evening. I lit the candles, put on the iPod, and spent the night lying on the mattress in the lounge room. The same mattress that we cuddled just less than 24 hours before, watching Snowcake starring Sigourney Weaver, his favourite actress of all time. I fell asleep at midnight and did not wake up until 11am on Christmas Day.

I spent the day cleaning, washing and attended a Christmas dinner at a friend's house. We texted and 3 hours later at 12.30am, I hear him at the door. I threw my arms around him and he plants a kiss on my cheek. He's sneaked out of the apartment where his family is currently staying over Christmas, and took a taxi over to my place.

He put on game for me and proceeded downstairs to use the bathroom and hunt for food. I love it when he makes himself comfortable. I played my game while he showered me with kisses. It's 3.00am and I've just finished with my game and he's fast asleep next to me. He's breathing heavily, and his warm feet touches mine. He takes up quite a bit of space in bed I have to admit, but it gives me a sense of serenity and comfort knowing that he's lying next to me, heavily breathing due to his cold.

I opened the door to get some water and scared him. He jumped up and gasped the word, "Bubby", a word that's almost becoming my name. He mumbled with his eyes closed, still half asleep, that I scared him. I walked over and gave him a hug. He planted a kiss on my cheek and went back to sleep.

This is beautiful.

His Beautiful Flaws

It was the ending, or so I thought. Saying good-bye was difficult for both of us - and perhaps, more difficult than we both thought. The tears we cried and the pain we fought, if anything proved the importance of him in my life and mine in his.

He came to sleep over again, this time, for 3 nights. We had our petty arguments but other than that, we had a beautiful time together. I imagined, if we were still together, I think it would be a lot like this and maybe it's weird for me to imagine that, but I really could.

Growing up, he's always had trouble peeing in front another person, regardless of who that person is. This means that he's never peed in a public toilet when there is anyone around, and he rarely goes to the toilet in public places.

He peed with me beside him for the first time yesterday and I was overjoyed. Perhaps, I could have shown more emotions but the excitement and the pride I felt at the moment overwhelmed any kind of physical emotions I could evoke to communicate my internal feelings. Deep down, the sense of joy, and pride, like watching your first child take his first steps, or seeing your chick fly for the first time, fills every vein in my body.

It means a lot to me, and I am sure to him too. It has been something that he's been fighting for since the first time I met him. And as I lie in bed with him next to me, curled up into a ball, his hands holding mine, I reflect on how far he's come.

I never doubted him, in any way at all - and it hurts me every time he thinks or imply that I do. If anything, I think I believe in him more than he believed in himself, and I hope I believe in him more than anyone else in his life. If anything, when I first met him, I knew he wasn't an ordinary person who will accept things as is - he's the unreasonable person that I fell in love with, one who fights for what is right.

His insecurities and his fears, all the things that he never thought he could do, he's faced almost all of them. The fact that I have been with him through most, if not all, of them really is an honour. He's a fighter and he's an unreasonable man.

He peed another two times after the first time, and the third time at a public toilet urinal - one of his biggest fears. I could have given him a hug and a kiss, but his reactions were not quite what I expected. I know he was proud, but he didn't seem overjoyed - probably because like me, the first time, he didn't know how to communicate the feelings.

He's growing so quickly, and he's changing at such rapid pace. Some days, I worry that he's going to move so fast that he'll realise that he doesn't need me anymore, and I could see this day coming. However, for now, I am going to cherish what is and I will remember all these moments for a long, long time.

I write these with an aching heart and tears in my eyes, but I need to know that I made these decisions. The decision to stay and the decision to walk with him on his side through this journey as he learns and conquer his fears and me learning from him and challenging myself. I am, but a temporary companion, walking alongside him until he finds one that he's deeply in love with.

The Ending

This blog starts with the ending.

It's 8.30am and I am wide awake, having only 4 hours sleep if I was lucky. He's lying next to me, very gently and lightly snoring. His messy, curly dirty blond-brown hair very eloquently rest on my pillow and his hand lays next to my chest.

We both know this is the end - this is the long goodbye. He's not in love with me anymore, but I hopelessly am. He loves me, but nothing beyond a friend. And we both know this is not going to go anywhere. His heart is somewhere else, his mind is with me. I have him, but I can't have his heart.

I did not choose to say goodbye, I can't, but I had to. Given the choice, I'd love to watch him grow even more, be the person he always wanted to be, and watch him be genuinely happy. But I know that I love him too much, and the only way we can be friends again is for me to put my deep, strong feelings for him aside.

It has been exactly one month since I first met him, and we laid eyes on each other. I wasn't a fan - he wasn't even my type. He has a decent dress style but he never plan how he shops and what he needs. He didn't have a dream, he's happy to live life chasing for the next event and person to make him happy - which usually does, but never last long. And I always thought that I'd end up with someone who is romantic, who would give me tiny surprises and would be that persistent bull when I give up, but whenever I give up, he says goodbye.

Having said that, he reminds me what it is to love and to be in love. He gave me strength when I'm weakest and he fills in the gaps where I feel inadequate. I know he would never lie to me, and I know that if I am ever in any trouble, he'd jump straight in and do anything to help me. He makes me laugh and he makes cry, and whenever I get irrational, he pulls out all his tricks to get me smiling again.

I just coughed and woke him up. He peeked through the blue blanket I put over him, because he has a cold. His gorgeous blue-grey eye staring at me and his hand reaches over to rub my chest. And he falls back into his gentle snoring pace. He never snores - its his cold that's giving him the snore.

I've cried every single bit of tear left in me, which is stupid because this just isn't me. And I didn't want, and didn't think this would ever happen, but it has to, if we want to save us both the frequent pain.

I love him and I know I always, always will. I hate him for making me love him again after not being in love for 7 years, and this pain is the very reason I never want to be in love again. Having said that, I do not regret a single bit of time we've spent together.

As he lies next to me, I can only think of all the memories that we've had together. It makes me smile and cry all at the same time. This is such a painful goodbye. But I know, we will both survive this.