His Beautiful Flaws

It was the ending, or so I thought. Saying good-bye was difficult for both of us - and perhaps, more difficult than we both thought. The tears we cried and the pain we fought, if anything proved the importance of him in my life and mine in his.

He came to sleep over again, this time, for 3 nights. We had our petty arguments but other than that, we had a beautiful time together. I imagined, if we were still together, I think it would be a lot like this and maybe it's weird for me to imagine that, but I really could.

Growing up, he's always had trouble peeing in front another person, regardless of who that person is. This means that he's never peed in a public toilet when there is anyone around, and he rarely goes to the toilet in public places.

He peed with me beside him for the first time yesterday and I was overjoyed. Perhaps, I could have shown more emotions but the excitement and the pride I felt at the moment overwhelmed any kind of physical emotions I could evoke to communicate my internal feelings. Deep down, the sense of joy, and pride, like watching your first child take his first steps, or seeing your chick fly for the first time, fills every vein in my body.

It means a lot to me, and I am sure to him too. It has been something that he's been fighting for since the first time I met him. And as I lie in bed with him next to me, curled up into a ball, his hands holding mine, I reflect on how far he's come.

I never doubted him, in any way at all - and it hurts me every time he thinks or imply that I do. If anything, I think I believe in him more than he believed in himself, and I hope I believe in him more than anyone else in his life. If anything, when I first met him, I knew he wasn't an ordinary person who will accept things as is - he's the unreasonable person that I fell in love with, one who fights for what is right.

His insecurities and his fears, all the things that he never thought he could do, he's faced almost all of them. The fact that I have been with him through most, if not all, of them really is an honour. He's a fighter and he's an unreasonable man.

He peed another two times after the first time, and the third time at a public toilet urinal - one of his biggest fears. I could have given him a hug and a kiss, but his reactions were not quite what I expected. I know he was proud, but he didn't seem overjoyed - probably because like me, the first time, he didn't know how to communicate the feelings.

He's growing so quickly, and he's changing at such rapid pace. Some days, I worry that he's going to move so fast that he'll realise that he doesn't need me anymore, and I could see this day coming. However, for now, I am going to cherish what is and I will remember all these moments for a long, long time.

I write these with an aching heart and tears in my eyes, but I need to know that I made these decisions. The decision to stay and the decision to walk with him on his side through this journey as he learns and conquer his fears and me learning from him and challenging myself. I am, but a temporary companion, walking alongside him until he finds one that he's deeply in love with.