It's 8.30am and I am wide awake, having only 4 hours sleep if I was lucky. He's lying next to me, very gently and lightly snoring. His messy, curly dirty blond-brown hair very eloquently rest on my pillow and his hand lays next to my chest.
We both know this is the end - this is the long goodbye. He's not in love with me anymore, but I hopelessly am. He loves me, but nothing beyond a friend. And we both know this is not going to go anywhere. His heart is somewhere else, his mind is with me. I have him, but I can't have his heart.
I did not choose to say goodbye, I can't, but I had to. Given the choice, I'd love to watch him grow even more, be the person he always wanted to be, and watch him be genuinely happy. But I know that I love him too much, and the only way we can be friends again is for me to put my deep, strong feelings for him aside.
It has been exactly one month since I first met him, and we laid eyes on each other. I wasn't a fan - he wasn't even my type. He has a decent dress style but he never plan how he shops and what he needs. He didn't have a dream, he's happy to live life chasing for the next event and person to make him happy - which usually does, but never last long. And I always thought that I'd end up with someone who is romantic, who would give me tiny surprises and would be that persistent bull when I give up, but whenever I give up, he says goodbye.
Having said that, he reminds me what it is to love and to be in love. He gave me strength when I'm weakest and he fills in the gaps where I feel inadequate. I know he would never lie to me, and I know that if I am ever in any trouble, he'd jump straight in and do anything to help me. He makes me laugh and he makes cry, and whenever I get irrational, he pulls out all his tricks to get me smiling again.
I just coughed and woke him up. He peeked through the blue blanket I put over him, because he has a cold. His gorgeous blue-grey eye staring at me and his hand reaches over to rub my chest. And he falls back into his gentle snoring pace. He never snores - its his cold that's giving him the snore.
I've cried every single bit of tear left in me, which is stupid because this just isn't me. And I didn't want, and didn't think this would ever happen, but it has to, if we want to save us both the frequent pain.
I love him and I know I always, always will. I hate him for making me love him again after not being in love for 7 years, and this pain is the very reason I never want to be in love again. Having said that, I do not regret a single bit of time we've spent together.
As he lies next to me, I can only think of all the memories that we've had together. It makes me smile and cry all at the same time. This is such a painful goodbye. But I know, we will both survive this.
Wow, this whole blog makes me cry. I hope you find someone some day where you won't have to say goodbye again, but this was a really lovely, touching thing you've written here about your feelings for him--all of it. Good luck. :)
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